If you live in the New England area, around 3 PM EST yesterday you may have heard a someone scream, “oh come the *expletive deleted* on!” No need for alarm. That was just me reading an article that stated Game of Thrones season eight will not air until 2019. If it isn’t obvious, Thrones is my favorite television show. I can’t get enough of it. Between the engrossing storylines, zombies, sex, dragons, nudity, and sex (giggity) it literally has everything a guy could want in a TV show. The only thing it’s missing is Ninjas. Ninjas make everything better… but I supposed at this point Arya Stark is basically a ninja so scratch that, Thrones has everything you could want from a TV show.
Millions of fans are lost because we have no idea what we will fill our Sunday nights with until Thrones returns. Don’t even get me started on what we will do once the show wraps. Rumor has it HBO is making a serious effort to create one or more spin-off shows that will air after season eight ends. If that’s the case, boy do I have some ideas for HBO. Welcome to BlaqueRabbit.com elevator pitches: Game of Thrones Edition!
Home is where the opulence is!
Ser Bronn of the Blackwater has an eye for the finer things in life. Bronn was promised a castle (and a noble-born wife) by than Lannisters but let’s just say neither were what Bronn expected. Since Ser Jaime Lannister doesn’t have the time or will to pick out a decent castle for Bronn, Bronn is going to have to… Flip This Fookin Castle! That’s right join Bronn as he goes from dilapidated castle-to-castle trying to find the perfect one to renovate, then flip for a newer, and larger Castle! Residents in the castle? No worries, Bronn and the Lannister army will take care of that by raping and murdering anyone who gets in their way! Whether the residents want it or not, Bronn will Flip That Fookin Castle!
If that doesn’t get you going, try this one:
Brandon Stark is…
Bran Stark is stuck between two time periods: today, where he is a lowly CSI and a fantasy land where dragons exist and great wars rage. During a routine investigation, Bran is pushed out of a window by a suspect who inexplicably loves having sex with his own sister (ridiculous, I know, but just go with it). When Bran awakens, he is wheelchair-bound. Much to his surprise, his weird dreams about that fantastic land are not dreams they are memories. Bran uses his newfound powers sight beyond sight to solve crimes as a consultant for the San Francisco PD. Brandon Stark is Ravensides… err.. or IronRaven… err… you get the point.
As days… go… by…
A young Brienne of Tarth spends her days going to school and hanging out with her friends. Brienne’s father, once a proud nobleman, has taken control of the local police force and while her mother thrives as a homemaker. All is well until Nerdy Tormund Giantsbane moves next door. After messing up Brienne’s first date with her crush Jaime, Tormund can’t only say: “did I do that?” Yes… Tormund, you did. That’s right, Tormund Giantsbane and Brienne of Tarth star in A Clash of Family Matters!
Only one man is good enough for my sister!
Jaime Lannister is known as the most skilled knight in the realm. As leader of the Kings Guard Jaime’s life is going perfectly until his, ahem, “beloved” sister tells him she is getting married. To who? The ghastly (and batshit crazy) Euron Greyjoy. Greyjoy attempts to gain favor with Jaime but Jaime doesn’t think Euron is man enough for his sister. When war breaks out, Jaime sees this a chance to break up his sister’s perplexing new relationship. Jaime decides to take Euron for a ride… along (on a warship). Jaime Lannister and Euron Greyjoy star in Ride Along: The Series.
His specialty is chicken…
The Hound Sandor Clegane loves chicken. No, I mean he really, really loves chicken. Join the Hound as he travels the countryside visiting different dining establishments to critique their food… and by food, I mean chicken. You guessed it, Sandor Clegane stars in Dinners, Carriage Inns, and Dives!
Love reality TV? Check this out:
“Once upon a time, 25 women met the man of their dreams. Unfortunately, they all met him on the same night.”
Jon Snow’s life is turned upside down when he is dumped by his Queen Aunt after she finds out that, well, she’s his aunt. Jon has always been unlucky in love but after becoming a King (in the North) he decides it’s time to give love a chance. Jon goes to Dorne to find love. Samwell Tarly hosts The Bachelor is coming. 25 women from all over Westeros vie for Jon’s hand in marriage. Spoiler alert: every episode ends one of two ways: Jon going into a rant about looking into the eyes of the Night King or that the reason it doesn’t look that big is because winter is here.
How did I get here?
Picture this: Oberyn Martell is seconds away from killing the dreaded Mountain, Gregor Clegane. Oberyn’s ego gets the better of him and Clegane is seconds away from crushing Oberyn’s skull. As Oberyn’s eyes start to bleed…
“Whoa, whoa. See that guy right there? Looks like he has hit rock bottom. Well, that guy is me, believe it or not. I bet you are wondering how I got in this wacky situation. It all started in the summer of 283 AC…”
Join Oberyn as he grows into the man he was leading up to his disgusting and ultra-violent death at the hands of the Mountain. Oberyn Martell stars in “Oberyn Martell Can’t Lose!”
What do you think? How many of these would you watch? Let us know in the comments section below and/or yell at me on Twitter @AboveAverageLLP!