Covering professional wrestling can be hard if your job consists of providing play-by-play for WWE Smackdown Live or any of the other WWE content for that matter. Some of the stuff that goes through my head shouldn’t be plastered all over the internet for anyone to see. BUT A wise man once said, “Fuck it, we’ll do it live!” Welcome to “Diary Of A Mad Wrestling Fan” staring me, SAMUEL L. JACKSON! WHAT! I’M NOT YELLING, THAT’S JUST HOW I TALK! Err I mean, Lovell “I’m the CEO of this company so I can write about whatever I want, so don’t @ me” Porter. Follow me on my journey as I fumble through all of your favorite live shows!
8:03 PM EST- Why the hell did they think having Shane McMahon read a list of Kofi Kingston’s accomplishments would be effective? Shane delivers dialog like a guy who has had way too many shots to the head… well… now that I say it out loud… never mind.
8:06 PM EST- Ever notice WWE Creative either gives us too much information or not enough information? Shane just went through the years for Kofi (a guy who has been on TV for over a decade) but we still haven’t been given a reason to care about any of the NXT call ups.
8:08 PM EST- Ah oh. Kingston has a little blond streak in his hair. That’s the first sign of a heel turn. Screw it, let’s go! I’m looking forward to hearing Kingston screaming “Jooooooohn” during his heel champion feud with Cena.
8:11 PM EST- You may think it’s strange that Daniel Bryan has been totally silent this whole time but in actuality, he is just doing his Drax impression. Also, I have no idea why Kingston got in the ring and acted like Bryan wasn’t there, but ok… Let’s just go with it.
8:14 PM EST- Vince is aging like a potato… and what the shit is he doing out here?
8:15 PM EST- Of course, Vince is replacing Kingston in the WWE Championship match at Fastlane. Surprisingly with Kevin Owens. Owens is SUCH a Vince guy. That makes sense. Owens means SO much more than Kingston does. *Bangs head on Keyboard*
NXT Call Ups: So this is the main roster, huh?
Kofi Kingston: Yeah it’s great. If you work hard enough and long enough you may… wait, did you hear that?
NXT Call Ups: OMG!
8:16 PM EST– Does this mean Kingston is going to get his shot at WrestleMania?
8:20 PM EST- Owens wants to team with Kingston. Owens is about to put Kingston out of action, isn’t he? Kingston stays getting beat up to make everyone else look good. They should have Orton come out after the beatdown and yell, “stupid, stupid!” at him.
Kingston has to get the Mania match, right? They can’t be silly enough to ignore Kingston’s… Kingston’s… Shit. Kingston is going to be on the pre-show at Mania, isn’t he?
8:21 PM EST- Hey! It’s the Hardy Boyz! I don’t care about the Hardy’s vs Sheamus and Cesaro on any level at this point, but hey! It’s the Hardyz! *rips the shirt off and jumps off something way too tall*
***Breaking news: A local fat man has died after jumping off a 700-foot ladder while screaming about regretting nothing. Film at 11.***
8:27 PM EST- If Matt Hardy isn’t still crazy, I say we riot! Attica! Attica!
8:28 PM EST- Matt looks to have DELETED the carbs from his diet. Matt looks ripped.
8:31 PM EST – Ricochet is talking to Aleister Black and Black looks like he would rather be anywhere but in a backstage segment talking to Ricochet. Ricochet sounds like an annoying snot-nosed little kid. Ricochet is as the kids say, “super dope”, but talking isn’t his strong suit. There is no reason he can’t just be an ass-kicking high flyer that does most of his talking in the ring. Remember back in the day when that was ok? Everyone didn’t have to stand in the ring and deliver a fucking monologue from Macbeth before a match starts?