New Day Chromatic 3
“Would you… would you look at this shit over here? Woods, you see this fuckery?” Credit: WWE

Covering professional wrestling can be hard if your job consists of providing play-by-play for Smackdown Live or any of the other WWE content for that matter. Some of the stuff that goes through my head shouldn’t be plastered all over the internet for anyone to see. BUT A wise man once said, “Fuck it, we’ll do it live!” Welcome to “Diary Of A Mad Wrestling Fan” staring me, SAMUEL L. JACKSON! WHAT! I’M NOT YELLING, THAT’S JUST HOW I TALK! Err I mean, Lovell “I’m the CEO of this company so I can write about whatever I want, so don’t @ me” Porter. Follow me on my journey as I fumble through all of your favorite live shows!


8:04 PM- Shane heeling it up by pushing the ring announcer around is a pretty cool “I’m a heel please boo me” move. Not that I needed that to boo Shane. Besides jumping off shit he doesn’t add much so BOOOOOOOOOOOO! Boo, I say!

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8:05 PM-ย Ugh… hurry up. This episode is already dragging… I have… um… other things to watch… I mean do. Yeah, that’s it…

8:06 PM- Aaaaaaaand in record time, Shane proves my point that he sucks as a heel. That dude stinks on the mic. Shane should do voice work on that show Brickleberry. Five people got that joke, but I’m sure all five are laughing.

8:07 PM- So… Do we really need a Shane/Miz match at WrestleMania?

8:08 PM- Why do we get a Shane match every year at Mania? Who asked for that? Also, if Shane is fighting Miz at Mania, what is he going to jump off of and almost kill himself? Miz’s ego? ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ

8:10 PM- I don’t care what anyone says, Aleister Black’s theme fucking SLAPS HARD.

8:11 PM- Oh great. An eight-man tag team match. WWE is working overtime to torture me tonight. Fun fact: Covering multiperson tag matches is the worst. The only thing worse is covering multiperson luchador matches. They just move way too fast to keep up.

8:18 PM- I would pay good money to see Shinsuke Nakamura battle Aleister Black in the Tokyo Dome. Come to think of it, Ricochet vs Nakamura could be super dope as well. What are the odds we get feuds between Swagske and Black or Ricochet?

Side note: Swagske is a nickname my cousin MVP gave Nakamura in Japan. What? You didn’t know I was related to Montel Vontavious Porter? Well, I’m not but don’t let the truth get in the way of a good story. ๐Ÿ˜‚

8:20 PM- I wonder what Nakamura thinks about the Michael Jackson documentary…

8:21 PM- You know what’s wild? Rusev and Mustafa Ali have had the same amount of WWE Championship matches. The system is fucking broken.

8:25 PM- I miss MVP. Random, I know, but that dude is great. I’d love to see him back in the WWE at some point. I’d also pay good money to know exactly what the issue was between MVP and Triple H.

8:30 PM- The New Day just went medieval on everyone. I think this the first time since they turned face (sorry, I HATE using wrestling vernacular such as “face” or “heel”… I’m not a wrestler. I feel dirty using their terms.) that they have left loose and destroyed anyone. This was fun to watch.

8:36 PM- Yo… Randy Orton meant that shit. Orton is right tho. AJ Styles walking around talking about he built Smackdown is pretty fucking hilarious. And wrong. I am not going to do this often, but for this promo, I have to. What this please:

8:38 PM-ย That was fun but 10 PM can’t come fast enough… why? um.. because… stuff. What’s with all of the security questions??

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8:39 PM-ย This Orton/Styles promo has been great. You want to know why it’s great? Because the stuff they are saying is legit. When Orton was winning his first world title Styles was shaking hands with his opponents in bingo halls. That’s a fact. Orton has always had help. That’s a fact. There was just enough “insider” stuff in this promo to make it feel less like two dudes reading a script and more like to people who just flat out resent each other. I say all that to say, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO MORE STUFF LIKE THIS, WWE!

8:47 PM- Well shit. I just realized that Shane saying he beat up Miz because he is tired of being used is actually a good reason to beat someone up. Damn it. Shane is right. Is Miz is actually the heel here? Do I smell toast? Do I still collect $200 when I pass go?

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8:52 PM- Hey if you are having a good day I am going to ruin it for you: Asuka is so unimportant to the WWE that she is a prop in what looks to be the Mandy Rose/Sonya Deville break up. Asuka went from Goldberg in Santa’s Slay to Goldberg in The Goldbergs.

8:56 PM- Becky Lynch is standing awkwardly in the ring as they show a video of Ronda Rousey punching her in the gunt. What Rousey did Sunday makes perfect sense to me but the execution was the drizzling shits.

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