Covering professional wrestling can be hard if your job consists of providing play-by-play for Raw or any of the other WWE content for that matter. Some of the stuff that goes through my head shouldn’t be plastered all over the internet for anyone to see. BUT A wise man once said, “Fuck it, we’ll do it live!” Welcome to “Diary Of A Mad Wrestling Fan” staring me, SAMUEL L. JACKSON! WHAT! I’M NOT YELLING, THAT’S JUST HOW I TALK! Err I mean, Lovell “I’m the CEO of this company so I can write about whatever I want, so don’t @ me” Porter. Follow me on my journey as I fumble through all of your favorite live shows!
8:00 PM- Ok, I’m no rocket physician or anything like that, but how are the Seth Rollins and Becky Lynch vs. Andrade and Zelina Vega a co-main event if it’s opening the damn show?
8:04 PM- Aren’t Vega and Andrade on Smackdown? If they are Smackdown talent, why isn’t this match happening there? Maybe this makes sense and I’m over thinking it. If Rollins and Lynch are featured on Smackdown this week the WWE will officially be doing too much. I have a theory on the nonexistent brand split and assinine wildcard rule but I am not going to spill it yet.
Spoiler alert: it involves aliens, Bluechew and salad tongs. You do the math.
8:05 PM- At this point, Smackdown is just a recap of what happened on Raw. When they aren’t recapping Raw on Smackdown, they are using to further the Raw storylines. It’s basically WCW Thunder at this point. Yeah, I said it.
8:07 PM- Oh, I get it. This is an elimination match so they have a reason to have a break in the action to keep up with the “no wrestling during commercials” rule. Why can’t they just do the picture-in-picture like they do during Smackdown? Also, why does it all the sudden matter what is happening during the break? If we have another freaking random 2-out-of-3 falls match my head is going to explode.
8:15 PM- Andrade is so good. We need to see Andrade battle Ricochet. That would be so much fun. That’s probably why it isn’t going to happen.
8:21 PM- Rollins and Lynch were obviously going to win this, but still a fun match. At first glance, it looked like Lacey Evans botched her finisher. Which, if you aren’t familiar, is just a freaking right hook. I was just thinking how could you possibly mess something like that up. On further review, Evans fucking obliterated Lynch’s jaw with the punch. You can’t appreciate it until the slow-mo replay.
8:24 PM- Evans is clearly still suffering the effects of the head injury that caused her to think it’s still 1954. Before you ask, yes, this is the hill I am choosing to die on.
8:25 PM- Seriously, have we seen Evans interact with any of the African American superstars? Hell, with Heyman back, maybe he will go all in. Have Evans tell Naomi to go get her bags or some shit. Evans will either be the biggest heel in the company or the biggest face… God, you have to love America.
8:29 PM- Christ almighty. Heyman has only been back with creative for a week and he is already aging like an avocado in the sun.
8:30 PM- I wonder if Vince sucks the souls out of the creative team in some kinda crazy pagan ritual on a weekly basis. That would explain why Heyman looks like he has been president for the last eight years.
Vince be like: