When I signed up for Disney Plus earlier today I was full of joy. It reminded me of the first time I discovered that there were mystical places (shopping centers) where you can find buried treasure (Pizza Hut with Taco Bell in the same building… IN THE SAME BUILDING!!!). As I laid down my money for what has to be the 17th streaming service I’m currently paying for I was shocked and appalled as I scrolled down the list of content. How could Disney finally debut the highly anticipated and potentially Netflix killing Disney Plus streaming service and not provide the content that fans everywhere have been clamoring for? It’s like parking your car, walking up to a Pizza Hut/Taco Bell full of glee just to find out the damn thing is now a Comcast customer service center… but we don’t talk about that. That day is now referred to as White Tuesday. Screw this, I’m boycotting until Disney gives us the content we need. My list of demands are simple:
Dolph Lundgren’s Punisher
What? Have you not seen this wonderful, wonderful, trainwreck? It’s a documentary about what happened to Ivan Drago after losing to Rocky and getting dumped by Brigitte Nielsen. Life comes at you fast… This version of The Punisher was a cop who lost his family after a mob hit. For some reason I still am unclear on, Lundgren never actually dawns the infamous skull shirt. Yes, you read that correctly. If you are into seeing an ass naked Lundgren sitting in the lotus position babbling about “heeee’s liiiifffffeeeeee” then this movie is for you. Sign me up. It’s a shame it’s not on Disney Plus. A new generation of fans needs to be exposed to Lundgren’s ass.
Man-Thing 2: Electric Boogaloo
Ok.. this doesn’t exist. BUT IT SHOULD, damn it! Man-Thing was a straight to Sci-Fy “film” with terrible effects and even worse acting. It’s a sight to behold. Instead of a sorta-kinda Swamp Thing rip off, Man-Thing looks like Audrey 2 from Little Shop of Horrors had a baby with one of the aliens Will Smith welcomed to “Earf” in Independence day. Man-Thing needs a worthy sequel. There is no good reason it can’t happen on Disney Plus. A Man-Thing sequel could give the platform a quality entry in the world of horror. Man-Thing is brutal and watching him torch people would be worth the price of admission. If Super Hero Squad taught us anything, it’s that whatever knows fear burns at the Man–Thing’s touch… OUCH.
Super Hero Squad Show
WHY IS THIS SHOW NOT AVAILABLE TO STREAM ANYWHERE! Look I know most of you hate that show. SHS gets a bad rap. Yes, it’s super cheesy and a lot of the characterizations are way off. Silver Surfer isn’t the second coming of Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and Paste Pot Pete doesn’t scream “squirt, squirt” as he shoots his hot sticky white goo… but damn it, he should! With hilarious takes on The Punisher and the aforementioned Man-Thing, this show puts the “pun” back in “Hulk smash puny humans!” Side note: Reptil sucks donkey dong. It’s best to just ignore his existence.
Never forget, we’re nothing but white blood cells- hunting the infection called crime: