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Into The Spider-Verse: Five Spider-Man Spinoffs Sony Should(n’t) Make

 

The trailer for the… *chuckle* highly anticipated Morbius movie dropped today… what? You have no idea who Morbius is? Don’t feel bad. I’ve been a comic fan for my entire life and I barely know who Morbius is. I am pretty sure I’ve never read a comic with him in it. To scores of 90’s Spider-Man cartoon fans, he was the most annoying pseudo-villain the FOX cartoon featured. He had a stupid accent and constantly bitched about needing “plasma”. If it wasn’t obvious, Morbius’ shtick is that he is a “living vampire”, whatever that means. The trailer itself isn’t terrible. Jared Leto seems to be trying his damndest to make us care about the character. Even though it looks somewhat interesting I can’t shake this feeling that no one asked for this movie. Not a single soul. Sony seems to be marching forward with its Spider-Man expanded universe which is interesting when you realize none of their spinoffs feature Spider-Man in any way. Logic be damned, Sony needs its monies, damn it! With Venom and now Morbius hitting the big screen, it got me thinking, what other Spider-man related movies should Sony poop out in the hopes of holding on to that sweet, sweet billion-dollar Spider-Man IP? Well, Sony is in luck. I am going to give you all, for free, no less, the five best ideas for Spider-Man spinoffs. You can thank me later.

“Uncle Ben Begins”

Spider-Man
“My name is Ben Parker and I have diabetes..” Credit- Sony

 

This is the story we have all been waiting to be told. How did Uncle Ben come to realize that with great power comes great responsibility? Strap in because we are going to spend two hours and forty-five minutes figuring that out!

“Hydro-Man’s Eleven”

Spider-Man
Cheadle: “So, unless we intend to do this job in Reno, we’re in barney. [everyone pauses] Cheadle: Barney Rubble. [they look bewildered] Cheadle: [irritated that they don’t understand what he’s implying] Trouble! Credit: Marvel

After being released from jail Morrie Bench puts together a crew to stick it to the man who stole his girlfriend Mary Jane by robbing a casino in Vegas. His crew consists of Spider-Man villains Kangaroo, Electro, um… Don Cheadle and…others? Hey, whatever d-list villains you haven’t already given a movie to, stick them in this one. It writes itself, people!

Check out our review of Venom here!

“Goblin”

Spider-Man
“Hi, I’m Norman Osborn and welcome to Goblin Blogging!” Credit: Marvel

 

What trama in his life led to Norman Osborn putting on a mask, riding around on a glider, and spending an inordinate amount of time trying to kill a high school student? Find out as we follow Osborn through his college years, his many failed business, and his totally “real” relationship with the way out of his league Zazie Beetz. We’ll skip the part where he has sex with an underaged Gwen Stacey… Hell, maybe the real story here is a six-part docuseries called “Surviving Norman Osbourn”… *shrug*

“The Kingpin”

Spider-Man
“Sugar… in water…” Credit: Marvel/Netflix

 

Before you ask, this isn’t a ripoff of “The Godfather”. Join Wilson Fisk as we explore his origins starting with his father’s entry into crime and the many… err… Ok, this is just a ripoff of “The Godfather”… but with Vincent D’Onofrio, so there is that.

“Spider-Women: And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Gwen Pool”

Spider-Man
“Hey Mr. J… err. sorry, wrong universe…” Credit: Marvel

Picture this: a movie featuring all of the Spider-Women… BUT starring Gwenpool for reasons only DC, I mean Marvel can explain! It will be great. Instead of focusing on building the characters of Spider-Woman, Silk, and Gwen Stacy of Earth-65, let’s make the entire thing about Gwenpool, a character people only think they care about because she makes for great cosplay fodder. I don’t know about you, but I smelled a FRANCHISE!!!

What did I miss? What characters do you think Sony should force down our throats via a movie we never wanted or asked for?

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