The original Golden Child was a great mo… the original Golden Child was a fun movie that helped define mill… err… hundreds of childhoods. My older brother and I still quote the movie to this day. So what if people look at us like we are insane as we call each other, “MY DEAR BROTHER NUMPSEY” or at dinner when we ask for “The knife. Pleeeeease”. You may not want to admit it but you know you fond memories of watching this movie as a kid.
Well fine then! Either way, when you look past the questionable acting, and awful special effects it’s still an interesting concept for a movie. The mystical kid has to be saved by a smooth-talking, “finder of lost children” who also happens to be the chosen one for some reason that is never explained. This stuff was gold in the ’80s. Since Hollywood has run out of ideas, instead of remaking an iconic movie, Hollywood should focus on remaking movies that were just ok. That said, I present to you The Golden Child (2020).
One of the things that made The Golden Child fun is the fact that it starred the biggest comedian on the planet (at the time), Eddie Murphy. It was looked at like the weirdest of flexes considering the movies he had been in leading up to this role. I don’t recall what the atmosphere was when this movie was first released but I would imagine based on the box office it was tepid at best (25 million budget, 11.5 million opening weekend with an adjusted gross of $79 Million).
So for the lead, we need a huge star who is also hilarious and can carry the absurd plot of this movie. Before you ask, no, the answer isn’t Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson or Kevin Hart. I’m saving both of them for my remaking Brokeback Mountain piece that will be dropping soon. Come on, don’t judge me.
Chandler Jerrel: Tiffany Haddish
Don’t look at me like that. Yes, I am 100% serious. Haddish would be electric in this role. Haddish chews up any screen she is on and her comedic timing is impeccable. Haddish has made a career out of being the funniest person in essentially every scene she is in, so being able to carry the comedic side of things shouldn’t be an issue.
Haddish recently ventured into more dramatic territory with The Kitchen but she hasn’t made her mark on the action side of things as of yet. This role could open up a whole new audience to Haddish. Also, having a female lead who happens to be popular between many different demographics could help this movie make a dent where it was unable to back when it was originally released.
Also, hearing Haddish go on the “I’m sorry, I have stolen from my brother Numpsey” rant will be worth the price of admission alone.
Kee Nang: Jessica Henwick
Kee Nang was my first movie crush. Even at the tender age of however old I was the first time I saw this movie, I knew a woman that hot would not be into Eddie. Ok, that’s not fair and I’m half-joking but we need someone with a presence that could both kick-ass and would make a convincing potential on-screen love interest for the lead character.
At the core of the original film, there was a love story between Murphy’s Chandler Jerrel and Charlotte Lewis’ Kee Nang. In the 2020 version, that will not change. Yes, that means this movie will both have a female lead and a female love interest, which I think would add some much-needed depth to this portion of the story. Jessica Henwick is the perfect choice for the updated version of the film. Henwick proved during two seasons of Marvel’s Iron Fist and The Defenders that she can more than handle being both powerful and vulnerable.
The Golden Child: Christian Isaiah
One of the wildest things about this movie is that the title character doesn’t do a whole hell of a lot. You could literally cast a muppet as the Golden Child and it wouldn’t matter. That said, it’s hilarious that this was the casting I had the toughest time with. I know according to the Hollywood Exec with this gun to my head I’m obligated to give Kevin Hart a role in this film. That joke is too easy, so I won’t do it.
*Please send help*
So if it’s not a Muppet or Kevin Hart, the obvious choice is Christian Isaiah from Shameless. This is an even more controversial a pick than casting Haddish in the lead role but bear with me on this one. Just because the movie is circled around Tibetan mysticism, doesn’t mean the child actually has to be of Tibetan descent. Having the swerve of the child being of African descent adds even more complexity to the story. It also gives the child himself a road to having an actual backstory.
How did they initially find the child? Where are his parents? Why am I wearing this hat? There are endless possibilities now. Also, Isaiah has been the best part of Shameless over the last few seasons. The young actor steals every scene he is in. Isaiah’s flawless line delivery won’t be of much use to him in this role, but his ability to convey emotion with his extremely expressive facial expressions will aid him well.
Honorable Mentions: Ian Chen
Sardo Numspa: Charles Dance
Numspa: “You have NO idea who I am, have you?”
Jerrel: “YES! You’re Sodom Numpsey!”
Charles Dance is still the only right choice for this role. Period. There is no reason he can’t just run it back. Dance’s performance as good o’ brother Numpsy is CLEARLY the inspiration for his work in the Last Action Hero, Game of Thrones, Underworld, and every other movie he has ever been in. I’m opening my Robinhood app to see if I can add more Charles Dance stock to my portfolio. Grab some while you can.
Chunky Asses Guy: Joseph Sikora
You may think this is the most insignificant part of the film and you may be confused as to why I’m bothering to cast it. There are two reasons. First, the name of that porn mag makes me double over in laughter every time I see it (I’m a 12-year-old, what do you want from me?). Second, it sets the tone for the type of humor you are in store for when you sit down to watch this cinematic masterpiece. Everyone’s favorite white boy Joseph Sikora (Tommy in the hit show Power) gets the nod. Imagine Haddish’s Jerrel walking up behind Sikora humming “Big Rich Town” as she peers over his shoulder before questioning him about “Chunky Asses” would be a great way to set the tone for this remake. Sikora is severely overqualified for this, but Sikora should be cast in every movie ever, so this is a good start.
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