Fu: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
I know what I said earlier. No The Rock and no Kevin Hart… but I couldn’t help myself. This is the role Rocky was born to play. Why? Because it’s funny. That’s why. This movie is short on characters that actually say or do anything of note. After the three leads are cast, everything else is just a chance to stunt cast the most outlandish people possible. This can’t be any worse than Rocky staring in Rampage.
Til: Rory McCann
Til gets to do.. stuff? I guess his face turn towards the end of the movie was something, right? Til is reminiscent of Michael “Yarp” Armstrong in Hot Fuzz. So why not cast Rory McCann so he can Yarp his way through this film. Better yet, he can channel his stint as Sandor “The Hound” Clegane on Game of Thrones and bleeping-bleep-bleep his way through this reimagining of The Golden Child.
Mel Mackmen (TV Host): Howard Stern
“Good afternoon, Miss Jerrel, you are the founder of lost children. What color underwear are you wearing? Baba Booey isn’t wearing any…” Howard Stern playing this role is a layup. Hell, have the interview take place on the Stern Show set with Robin Quivers and Baba Booey. Go all in. Stern hates doing movies, but a five-minute cameo can’t be that much of a heavy lift.
Kala The Librarian: Ming-Na Wen
I’d imagine this character would be totally CGI so this casting is all about the voice. Ming-Na Wen is the legendary voice of Mulan and routinely kicks as on Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD as Melinda May. She has the perfect voice to carry role Kala (aka the Dragon Lady). She can sound studious as she is delivering useful plot info and can amp it up to 100 when things go sideways when (spoiler alert) Kee Nang is killed. Ming-Na Wen being such a physical force, it opens the doorway for Kala to become more a physical part of the story as well. Maybe toss in a fight between Kala and devil trigger Sardo Numspa while you’re at it. That would add some much-needed action to this remake.
The Thing: Giancarlo Esposito
Gus Fring as the voice of all evil. That’s it. There are no actual pictures of The Thing. He is essentially a disembodied voice throughout the film, but still. Gus Fring. Boom.
The Old Man: Jackie Chan
The Old Man was only in the film for a few minutes but he managed to put on a performance that was the acting equivalent of main eventing WrestleMania in your rookie year. Jackie Chan is entering the twilight of his career and happens to actually be an old man. Granted, he is an old man who could kick the crap out of any of us, but still an old man all the same. Never mind the fact that Chan has the comedic chops to carry this role (see every film he has been in other than The Foreigner), he is also still physical enough to get involved in the action. One of the failures of the original movie is we never got to see what The Old Man was made of, save for a few magic tricks. Seeing Chan mix it up with the baddies while giving sage advice while picking his nose sounds like a good time to me.