Perspective

Mayonnaise Is The Worst Condiment Ever

Condiments are the world’s greatest accompaniment to any delicious food. BBQ ribs are impossible to eat without BBQ Sauce; don’t say a word to me about dry rub only, or I’ll call Space Force on you for acting like an Alien Life Form. Is it possible to eat a Salad without Salad Dressing? Of course not! Does anyone eat Hot Dogs without mustard? Possibly, but those that do are card-carrying members of the “I have no idea what I’m doing” society of America. If you see someone eating french fries without ketchup, there is no more appropriate response than to glare at them, take a deep breath and then loudly ask, “who raised you?” Despite all of these great condiments, there is one that falls short of all of the greatness of the others: mayonnaise! Mayonnaise is the worst condiment ever, and for the first time in your life, someone is going to explain why!

Mayonnaise is defined as a mix of oil, egg yolk, and the acid of either vinegar or lemon juice that is combined to make a thick cold sauce condiment. Imagine the kind of vindictive humanoid who sat around and thought to themself “Hey, let me put some oil, egg yolk, and vinegar into a jar and then shake it up and then ruin everyone’s meals by putting the resulting glob of white stuff on sandwiches and salads. You know that’s what probably happened, right? This person was probably known for making the worst burgers and potato salad in all of 14th Century France, and as a result, they went the extra mile to be the bane of my existence! Seriously, do you know how difficult it is to get a sandwich without mayonnaise? Even when you say “no mayo” there is some sort of evildoer that takes it upon themselves to ruin the sandwich by putting that awful glob of yuck on the sandwich. But I have a plan. 

That’s right. I have a plan, but it’s not just any plan. No, this is a MASTER PLAN. I am going to find someone to build a time machine, and then I’m going to go back. I’m going to go way back in time and track down the inventor of The Worst Condiment Ever, Mayonnaise. When I find this person, I’m going to offer them 2000 bitcoin in exchange for NOT creating mayonnaise. If that doesn’t work, then I’m going to dial 911 and have him arrested for assault with a disgusting condiment. Why? Because mayonnaise is the worst condiment ever! 

When he’s not claiming to be assaulted with a disgusting condiment, you can hear E. Duke Bennett on either of his two podcasts; Tell Us The Truth Podcast or Duke Loves Rasslin. Both are available on the iHeart Radio App and iTunes.

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