Perspective

Nothing Is as Easy as They Say

I’m offended by the phrase “Easy as Riding A Bike”. I’m so offended by that phrase, if I ever find out who came up with it I’m going to hire Attorney Matlock and SUE them…


Why? Because I cannot ride a bike. Let me take that back. I cannot ride a bike unless it’s one of those stationary bikes. If you give The Duke a stationary bike, like the ones in the gym, I’m a regular Tour de France rider. Make sure you pronounce that as “Frawwnc” like those of us with a little culture in our lives pronounce it. Anyway, if the bike is not stationary, I go from Lance Armstrong to Humpty Dumpty. All the King’s horses and all the King’s Men will have to pick The Duke up off of the floor for falling off the non-stationary bike again. Surprising as this may come, things that I cannot do aren’t limited to just riding a bike.  

I’m offended by the phrase “Easy as Floating In Water.” I’m so offended by that phrase, if I ever find out who came up with it I’m going to hire Attorney Matlock and SUE them. Why? I don’t know how to swim. Let me take that back; I know how to swim, I’ve just never been successful at applying what I know. Most of you sadistic big shots will claim “Just lay in the water and relax. You’ll float!”. Well I, The Duke, am here to tell you that is a bold-faced LIE. How do I know it’s a bold-faced lie? Because I have laid in water and relaxed and on three separate occasions I’ve had lifeguards pull me out of the water. I have literally sunk and almost drowned over and over and over again. It’s so bad I literally have to wear floatation devices, what those of us with a little culture in our lives refer to as “floaties” when I take a bath. Surprising as this may come, things that I cannot do aren’t limited to just riding a bike or swimming. 

I’m offended by the phrase “Easy As Taking Candy From A Baby”. I’m so offended by that phrase, if I ever find out who came up with it I’m going to hire Attorney Matlock and SUE them. Why? I don’t know HOW to take candy from a baby. Let me take that back; I know how to take candy from a baby, I’ve just never been successful at applying what I know. The last time I tried to take candy from a baby, I ended up in a serious battle of tug of war. The candy was one of those dum dum lollipops; That’s pronounced dumb-dumb for all of you out there that lack culture in your lives. At one point I was certain I was going to finally pull it off. 

Nothing Is As Easy As They Say
Credit: All Def

Me, The Duke, was finally going to accomplish what’s as easy as taking candy from a baby by literally taking candy from a baby. What happened? That little wannabe Fist of Fury character nearly knocked me out. She pulled on the candy way way waaaay back away from me while I started to pull as hard as I can to get the candy in my direction. She suddenly eased up on the resistance and the momentum caused me to punch myself in the nose. Do you want to know what the worst part of the entire ordeal was? She never let go of the candy, but I did. So there I am with tears in my eyes, holding my now swollen nose while the baby mockingly giggled and snacked on the dum dum right in my face. Clearly, nothing is “As easy as taking candy from a baby.” 

When he’s not falling off of bikes, wearing floaties in the bathtub, or getting beat up by babies, you can hear E. Duke Bennett on either of his two podcasts; Tell Us The Truth Podcast or Duke Loves Rasslin. Both are available on the iHeart Radio App, iTunes & other leading podcast Apps.

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